Did you Smash It?

I don't know about you - but I can't bear Female People, or Fat People, White People, Black People, Yellow People, Pink People, Small People, Large People, Annoying People, Kind People, Jealous People, Inane People.. the list goes on. In fact I can't bear ANYONE. 

So sack me. Gary - you're fired for being Peoplist. OK Gary, thanks. I'd like to apologise to all the people I've offended. Although I hate you all, I'm actually nice to your face. 

As we go along in life, our natural instinct is to be wary of others, we are just animals really. 

Spot the odd one in

Seriously though, it's all very very silly isn't it. As a 30 something I grew up in the 70s and 80s a time when Mind Your Language was one of the biggest and best shows on television. For those uninitiated with this 'sit-com' it basically consisted of every racial stereotype imaginable sitting in a room having the piss taken out of them, for all of us to laugh at. Also Jim Davidson was one of the 'funniest' comedians on the box, and of course it was more common for women to be called 'love' and 'pet'. The biggest TV quiz show of the time was the classic Bullseye, never a more misogynistic show would be seen in our lifetime. So after being impregnated with such racially dodgy views for so many years, is it any wonder that there's so many Daily Mail readers today? 

Accordingly, my hatred of people runs deep and Andy Gray and Richard 'Manimal' Keys fall into the category of abhorrent small-minded, dysfunctional grunts that I particularly detest. Yet I for one was heartily dismayed that they've been fired/forced out. I mean their personal views had no bearing on what they do in their day to day job, which is talking to men about other men moving a spherical orb around a large area covered in grass, trying to make sure the orb lands between two sticks, and being able to do this more times than the other men in the allotted time-frame earlier agreed upon. 

Women ARE the better species. It's a FACT. They are better at everything that men can do. They've proved it time and time again. I'm an excellent single tasker. I can do one thing at a time pretty well. I'm managing to type this blog quite fast. Now I've stopped to drink my tea. .... Now I've stopped drinking my tea, I can carry on.... Sorry phone rang. Back again. 
But I watch my other half in disbelief as she cradles the phone between her neck having a deep conversation whilst cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, sending an email, arranging her birthday list, surfing the internet and gobbling me off.

How does she do it? 

Simply because she's much better than me at pretty much everything. 
So it's understandable that us Men cling on to football. It's one of the last things that Men still do better than Women. Women can't play football. That's a fact. Anyone who's ever watched a women's football match will know. So please let us have this. Don't take this away from us. 

Thousands and thousands of men abandon their wives, children and families for 90 minutes on a Saturday to spend time with other men, talking about how good their team is in playing with the aforementioned spherical orb. It's not big, it's not clever, but it is still one of the few places where Men can feel superior to Women. I know there are many women that love football as much as men (probably the same proportion of straight men who enjoy talking about periods and buying make-up), but it is still very much dominated by men for men. So was it really such a surprise to find that two of the main people involved in the broadcasting of football, think that women should 'know their limits' and talk about 'fluffy kittens'. Of course not. It's thanks to the morally outraged Daily Mail readers, who were brought up on a daily regime of racism, sexism and bad TV that find this behaviour despicable. 

Quick joke in keeping with the theme:
Q. What do you call a useful woman? 

A. A dead one. 


How funny is that. Ha HA HAAAAA HAAAA. What - you mean it's sexist? You don't find it funny? 

Well you'd be interested to know that on QI, Jo Brand said exactly that joke replacing the women part with men, and of course she got a big laugh. How is that possible? 

See - I've just done a To Kill A Mockingbird on you. Or for our younger readers A Time To Kill. Why is that acceptable in our society now, as long as men are being ridiculed? It's an interesting question. I'm not going to get all philosophical here, but really cements my earlier argument that women are the greater species and are actually in control. 

You can look around our TV schedules now to find programmes for women, aimed at women - ostracising men on a daily basis. Anything from Loose Women through to some fashion twonk. So ultimately the one time when men had a bit of a dig at women, stating that women don't know the offside rule (again in general terms this is indeed a fact. I barely understand it, and have tried to explain it to many women and failed). 

So to all you sexist bitches out there. Let us have our football and ironically claim how you should be 'doing the washing up' or 'ironing our clothes' whilst we cower in the corner waiting for the few hours on a Saturday when we can feel like MEN. 

THE BLOG IS BACK!

Yes I know,  it's been a while. But I'm back. To spread the word of our lord Baby Jesus to you all and make you all BELIEVE... err sorry, let's start again shall we. 

I'm back. .... (silence)......(tumbleweed blows past)
Hello ... (hello... hello... echo .... )
Oh well, I care that the blog is back, even if no-one else does. 

So what's happened to Rev Food I hear you cry. Well after spending some time lounging and eating as we all do over the festive season, it's time to get cracking again. 

My diet has calmed down to a more normal level, I still love my bird seed and Alpen with rice milk (mmm you should try it), and have stayed away from the demon fizzy soft drinks and smoking. I've also started walking again. It's been too bloody cold to do any outdoor activities, but now it's nearly February it's time to get on with it again. 

So I hope that all the festive excesses have stopped and everyone has started thinking about how to get back onto the healthy regime. I'm always amazed how many people suddenly join gyms and go on intensive post-new year diets, all for it to fail miserably before the end of January. I mean January is such a horrible month to do anything so drastic. The days are short, the weather is horrible and generally everyone is in a grump, so why subject yourself to what is clearly torture? It makes much more sense to ease yourself in to a healthy regime and start building up exercise. The Spring is a much more sensible time to start and get things going. Now that the dreaded 'most miserable' day of the year is over, it's only going to get better from now. 

So you'll all be delighted to hear that Rev Food is back, looking down on all the fatties and 'tsking' and shaking his head in that 'I'm better than you way' that the Rev loves to do. Not really fatties, I love you really (no, actually I don't). 

When One was younger One was also a DICK

Talking in the 3rd person, that's actually one of my pet hates. Have you discovered this fairly recent phenomennonononon which seems to have sneaked up on us over the past few years into everyday language, since the start of The Apprentice. it's basically that annoying habit of people talking about themselves in the 3rd person. Anyone who does this is a DICK. Rev Food thinks that people who talk about themselves in the 3rd person are DICKS. So stop it now. This also goes for people who use the word 'One' at the beginning of a sentence. It doesn't make you sound big or clever, just more DICKISH. So if you are a DICK, then by all means carry-on,just don't be surprised why everyone hates you.

See - I bet you're glad that I'm back. It was nice to have a bit of a break, as in the last 2 months there's been a lot more things that I've found have annoyed me, so that the blog will have lots of new fresh targets to vent my spleen. 

New Year Resolutions are another pointless exercise in my book. Why bother? Come on - hands up who made these so called resolutions? See that's a lot of you. Now keep your hands up everyone who keeps these resolutions for the year. See - no-one, apart from that weird looking kid at the back - who I think has some deformity that means he can't lower his arm. So why do we do them? It's just another social conformity that we all feel the 'need' to be a part of. 

Don't get me wrong,  I have also spent many years also making these resolutions. I think the best one i made was: This year I will make an effort to be nicer to people. That one lasted about 3 hours. So come on people stop being sheep, wake up and smell the roses. Why do you need a particular date to tell you when to make a change? 

This brings me onto my final spleen venting for this blog day, Valentines Day. Probably the most pointless and idiotic day in the entire calendar. Even more pointless than St Swithin's Day. I will post more about this despicable creation nearer the time, as I feel it needs it's own blog write up. I'd like to think I'm a romantic, I love my wife and my family. I try and treat them all and show my love and appreciation for them on a regular basis. So WHY OH WHY do I have to send a friggin card and flowers on some day in February because the 'Man' tells me to. I think there's actually nothing sadder than seeing couples go out on a 'romantic' meal on Valentine's night to spend the entire meal sitting in silence, as they feel they should be making an effort, whist inwardly they hate themselves and everything their lives stand for. OK - I'm guessing the last bit. 

I feel I have so much more to say, but for now I think enough is enough. There's only so much steam that can come out of my ears in one sitting. I need a cup of Jasmine tea and a lie-down to calm myself.