Weirdos

They're everywhere. We've all met them and seen them and can't help staring. Some people like to call them Strangers. I once read a quote from some famous bloke who stated 'A stranger is a friend I haven't met yet'. When i was younger, I thought this was clever and true, now I realise it's just bollocks. For sure I am probably a grumpy old man, but for me the term strangers is a bit of a giveaway - it has the word Strange plonked in the middle. If we were meant to make friends with everyone then surely a better term would be 'Chumers', then you'd think - oh yes look at that Chumer, he could be a good friend or chum of mine I think.

But instead, we look at people and think, that Stranger is very weird. And very strange. A prime example today is during my extended walk I passed a young man running on the spot, a few minutes later he passed me doing high kick running like John Cleese a la Ministry of Silly Walks (Incidentally, when I was a young 'un I had a massive poster of this up on my wall, not sad at all). But that's not the weird part. A bit further ahead he started to do star jumps. Still not fully weird.

Then he started to do what I can only describe as 'crab running' he began running sideways, quite fast.

Now I'm not an expert, but I don't think there's any sport where running sideways fast is essential or important. To make matters worse, he was wearing bright blue jogging pants and a bright orange vest. Total weird, hence why I didn't go up to him and say 'Wow, I love your crab running style, can we be chums?'.

In fact, I don't feel the need to make any more friends ever. I've come to the point in my life where if you're not a friend of mine now, you're probably never likely to be. Quite cruel I know, and I'm not discounting a few possible acquaintances, no doubt a few contacts with new people but no more actual friends. I mean how many do you need? I'm not talking about facebook friends either. Don't get me started on facebook and how people think they're suddenly mega popular because they have 500+ fb friends, but then they need reminding when it's your birthday so they can post the obligatory congrat message on your wall. Don't get me wrong, fb has a great place and I've been in contact with many old friends and colleagues, and people who I've lost touch with. But it's also thrown a few people my way that I've actually had to go 'Who are they? Am I meant to know them?'.

By now, you no doubt think I'm some grumpy bloke who hates everyone. Well you've pretty much hit the nail on the head there. That's probably why I'm called Gary Poppins by my friends. I love spending time with kids, you can't go wrong with kids. If it's a boy you can run around shooting each other, if it's a girl then you can let her paint your nails and talk about how dishy Troy is from HSM, and if you're faced with a toddler then simple facial expressions generally keep them amused for ages. You know where you are with kids. You don't have to pretend to be nice, you can just make funny noises or sing badly and run around in random circles.

But adults - well you have to be nice to them. You have to conform to the world of 'small talk'. I detest small talk. How many times can you ask people what they do for a living, talk about the weather, where they're going on holiday etc. etc etc... The list is endless. I can't be arsed. I'll let my lovely sociable wife do all the talking, and I'll just stand in the background looking grumpy or go off and play cowboys and spacemen with the nearest kid I can find.

The journey i used to hate more than anything was the dreaded train journey. Don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone jumps gaily in the morning going 'Yippee, I'm off to work and time to catch the train. What fun!'. But I just hated the claustrophobia of being in such close quarters with so many weirdos, I mean strangers. It's not normal for us all to be so close together, hence why everyone always looks so grumpy. We all think everyone else is weird and we're the only normal ones. Come on admit it, how many times have you been in a busy train carriage when you've just thought 'Why am I in this carriage with the most grotesque weirdos on the planet'. They've either got bad breath, terrible BO, annoying social mannerisms - the list goes on.

Talking of busy train carriages, it's a great opportunity to post one of the funniest clips I've ever seen on Youtube. At the least it will make you feel better the next time you get on a slightly packed tube train.. it could be worse. A lot worse.