Technology - It's BRILLIANT!

Ok i was reading on t'internet right, there was this blokey - Top genetic scientist who's spent his life on genetics and DNA and basically had managed to map out the genetic footprint of humans' and said that within 5 years we'd be able to know our genetic time-line. On other words - according to our genetics and DNA how old we will live to. Unfortunately he couldn't complete his research as he was run over by a bus on his way to the office. So what's my point? No matter how 'brilliant' technology is and becomes, unfortunately it's used by and created by us humans.
And we're all a bit stupid really - even the clever ones. Probably - especially the clever one's like this scientist, who should have looked both ways.
This brings me onto my main point - how impatient we all are by the 'latest' or 'newest' technology. At work, our computer server and systems have been migrated over to some super duper system in Hong Kong. Today is the first day it's gone live - and it crashed straight away and has been running slower than our old perfectly slow 'zx81' server.
I remember the first computer I had at work - it was one of those old style macs that was a box, literally the size of a box. You used to start it up in the morning, go and get a coffee and make some toast, come back to the desk and it was still happily whirring and blinking away, and just beginning to start up. It never bothered me because it was still way faster than the load times of my Commodore 64.
But now - if we have to wait longer than a milli-second for anything we start compaining. Funny really - we're so impatient and technology, as much as we laud its merits will always rely on some bloke staying awake to press the buttons in the right order... that is until technology can create the blokes so then you'll just need another bloke making sure the robot blokes don't break and press the buttons.. viscious circle and i'll stop now my computer is struggling to keep up and I have to keep awake to press the buttons.

Prawn on Toast

Well it's official - Smut is ok! Phew thank gawd for that. Otherwise i'd be in trouble.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/08/16/net_smut_ok/

I've never understood how any man can not like porn. There i've said it - if you don't then you're just plain odd in my book. What's not to like? Admittedly having ventured through some of the seedier shops in Amsterdam that do show the 'range' of material on offer - many 'niche' areas are best left behind closed doors.. i'm talking mainstream here nothing dodgy. So why not? I was given my first 'top shelf' magazine by an older kid at school when I was 12 and never looked back. I was soon buying my own and selling them on for double the price at school. I found my dad's stash of Playboy's and Escorts (still hidden in the same spot to this day and the issues are still dated 1983), and even had my own porn drawer - which had its own sticker. I suppose it comes to do whether you had any chance to view it as a teenager, never having that problem i've always found a place for prawn and long may it continue.

Talking of Nostalgia..

I was delighted to read that there is soon to be a Thundercats movie - no doubt it will be rubbish but funny anyway. I was in the cinema with my good buddy balenolad watching the previews and we saw the worst previews ever - one was a very poor imitation of karate kid and bloodsport. Why remake something that was classic but dated?

Which brings me onto the nostalgia thing - I loved Karate Kid - it was on tv the other week and boy is it a bad film. But I still love it - even though its terrible. I've seen some god awful films - most starring Steven Segal, the not alive Brandon Lee, Jean Claude Van Damme and many many more. I realised how many hours i've wasted in my life watching films which are terrible and then out of nostalgia thinking actually they may be quite good - watch them again. If I had anything better to do i'd probably complain to someone, but as my life is fairly uneventful i'm happy to keep watching the terrible sh1t that I used to watch and think was terrible then. That's what Sky Movies Action channel is for. Now to watch "Out for Revenge - Justice Kid III - Return of the Predator"

Toilet Humour....

Ok this is not going to be a long puerlie post about the shape/size/length/colour of poo or the typical talk about etiquette in urinals which we all know about (to refresh your skills go here: http://www.funny.co.uk/stuff/art_71-1549-Urinal-Etiquette-Test.html).

No - this post is deeper than that. It will tell you a lot about my psyche. You see I have a problem (not the only one either). I'd like to know whether I am alone with this 'issue' or whether there are other people who also do as I do. What am I talking about? Grading toilets that's what. What do I mean? Here's a more detailed explanation.

It goes back to when I first started working and used to have a few interviews, always a bit nervous I made sure I freshened up in the toilets of the company I was visiting. I realised after a short while that I was taking an unatural interest in every toilet. I was mentally 'grading' the quality of conveniences and this told me a lot about the company. This is still true today and whether i'm on a client visit, going to a new office, or visiting a hotel or other workplace - I always look at the quality of the WC and mentally grade them. How do I do this? Quite simple really.

• Obviously the most important is overal cleanliness - wee on floor, horrible yellow signs warning of 'slippery floors' are a big NO! So if you go into a toilet and it has that fresh smell of wild flowers you know their air freshener system is working.


• Next I look at the way its laid out - how may urinals are there - any men's toilets with an even number of urinals were obviously built by a woman. No man would place 2 or 4 urinals, it should be 1, 3 or 5 - think about it.. it makes sense. The type of urinal is also important - some toilets include a 'little' urinal for small boys or dwarfs. How may times have you casually strolled into a toilet, walked upto a urinal and started doing the do then look accross and realise yours is much smaller than everyone else's and you're actually weeing nearly on the floor. In my head I imagine the embarassment if a 'small man' walks in and stares at you as you've taken his place.. anyway i'm going off on one. Quickly - I also hate the full open urinals that are just a step up to then wee anywhere - these are always full of everyone's wee but luckily only really found in public places now or manky pubs.


• Then of course the quality of the actual stalls, making sure they're clean and no toilet brushes sitting on top to warn off anyone. The type and quality of paper - i'm yet to find any office that uses paper that you'd use at home. Although i've been to a hotel that actually seemed to use the softest, most absorbent paper i've ever seen and that was in their foyer toilet not even the ones in the room - top marks there.


• Finally the type of basins and most importantly how you dry your hands. I much prefer the towels rather than those horrible usless hand dryers that never actually dry your hands. Although I was very impressed with one office that had a new type of hand dryer where you put your hands into a crevice - and they do actually work (see pic).


• In some scenarios I also look at the number of doors it takes to get into a toilet - in our current office you actually have to open 4 doors to just get into the toilet - this is a ridiculous layout.

Once I've mentally gone through all of this - which now takes me about 6 seconds, I decide on whether I like the office. I've actually been put off of a couple of company's by the terrible state of their toilets. If they can't keep the toilets clean and tidy - what does that say for everything else. Really i've discovered a new science - sort of toilet philosophy if you will. Yes i'm probably mad, and yes probably no-one else ever does this - but i'm proud to admit this is important.

Have schoolkids changed that much?

Ok, so I turned 35 last week - no big deal .. another year older. Then I realised i've been a fully fledged member of the adult community for nearly more years than I was a child. Then I thought - why do I still feel like i'm 15?

This then led my complicated brain process to move onto (after thinking about sex and doughnuts) what has happened to the innocent school children that we used to be like. I was on a bus to the station and it was populated with a dozen children aged between 12-16 all with their mobile phones, bling, and street talk (all I could hear was the occasional 'innit though', 'realize', 'bring it') and I thought - has everything changed this much?

Ok - onto the nostalgia now - in my day.. etc etc.. but it seems that they all seem so grown up. So that made me compile a mental list of things that me and my friends used to do and whether they still exist in playgrounds and classrooms of 2008. I'm not trying to make any big statement, and its really just a good excuse to be nostalgic again. Ok here goes..
1) Table football/rugby with a coin.
A simple game based on shove-happeny - where you move a coin accross a table and then spin it and try and get a goal through the other players fingers. Rugby or football depends on how they place their hands and whether you go over or under.

2) Gambling - Flipping coins for money, to paraphrase the immortal line 'wanna ten'. You choose heads or tails, winner takes the money. This led to many complex 'spinning' techniques were certain coins always fell heads up or tails up depending on how you spun it. At one time we thought it should be an olympic sport. Used to win and lose many lunch money, and led to my fruit machine fixation and subsequent cocaine and herion addiction.

3) Bundle - Needless and unecessary chance to jump on the smallest kid and then everyone else pile on top. Someone always ended up with a split lip, and teachers always stopped it before they got too violent. The point was there was no point - that was the pure fun of 'bundle'.

4) Viz/Spit - Getting excited every time the new viz came out and poring over every strip. There was a time when there were 2 or 3 other similar comics - not as funny - but still used to be read religiously. A clear memory is the first time I read jelly head crying with laughter on the bus.

There's plenty more - so please feel free to add any you can think of!